I wanted to express what I'm really going through right now but it wouldn't be appropriate for me to post it here. It's too tensed up and dramatic, with a dash of awkwardness at the same time. I know what to post and what not to post. Unlike some people.
Anyways, I should be feeling very emotional and should be locking myself in a room. But I didn't.
In fact, I'm needing someone to talk to me right now. Attention seeker. No not really. I don't just talk to anyone at this phase. I'm sorry if I just brushed any of you guys off. I'm trying to refrain myself from hurting anyone with my words. I know I'm effing harsh and mean, don't have to remind me again :D thankyouverymuch.
I have insomnia. I couldn't sleep even at 5am this morning. Also, I'm hyper-tensed. I woke up at 8am feeling scared and nervous for NO reason at all. It might be caused of the nightmare, but I think it's due to the worries I had. I couldn't calm myself down. I walked here and there, I cried, I rolled on the bed hugging my pillows...It didn't work. Until I started playing with games in my loyal phone; Zuma, lol. And when I stopped playing, the fear came again. It was crazy, really.
I started reorganizing my wardrobe keeping myself busy for an entire hour until I forgot about it. Had lunch at 10am. Went back to bed at 11am. Woke up at nearly 4pm.
Awhile ago, almost died suffocating from the increasing pulse. Okay I'm just exaggerating. It did not felt like dying, it's torturing. My hands trembled. Did some breathe in breathe out thingamajig while applying toner and patting moisturizer to my face. I think it got better. But apparently it didn't cos I went to wash my face AGAIN. Goodbye my wasted toner and moisturizer ._.
I'm sorry mom. I was a bad child awhile ago. But I couldn't take it anymore. I did not feel guilty nor remorseful of what I did. I believe I was right. Sorry for making you feeling bad on a day before the Mother's Day. I know pretty pearls and pink carnations or red roses won't make up for what happened earlier. (I'm too shy to actually hug you and say sorry. I know, I suck.)
I wasn't blind of what's happening all this while. I understand each and every single thing around me. I didn't say a word just because I know I have no power and no stand; nobody will help me.
Let's just assume that I'm wrong, but...are they really entirely right? The problems never stop torturing me because everyone's avoiding it and nobody wanted to say anything clearly.
Seriously I don't have to go through all this. Why am I giving myself such big pressure? I don't know. I just wanted to be happy, like I always said.
I have this weird thought when I had the attack.
"Will I die early?"
Yes yes touchwood.
I have no idea what I'm saying too.
You know it's hard when you wanted to talk to someone, but you couldn't somehow tell the entire story.
I don't need a doctor.
'cos I'm just way too pressured.
Oh yes. Thanks for the booze, Cyn. Although it was days ago. It was good.
okm, thanks for the icecream. You know I love them more than anything else edible.
Belgian choco. Black sesame.
BTW.
This is not a suicide note -_-!
